Wow. It’s been over a month since I’ve posted. And while, I’ve been reading blogs, I just haven’t had the energy to blog. So here’s the deal…
My Dad died. Sorry for no forewarning before dropping that bomb, but that’s kind of how it felt. I would sugar coat it for you, but that’s not how it works. And if you’re not interested, you can sit this one out. I wish I could, too. But I’ll be back soon with less depressing news, I hope.
You may have caught on that my Dad was sick. Cancer. He found out about a year ago, and had been undergoing various treatment, including radiation, surgery and chemo. I had been in and out of the hospital with him for the past year, from anywhere for three days to two weeks. Each time, I feared he would never come home. This last time, my fear came true. Almost.
He didn’t pull through this time. He went in as directed from his radiation oncologist, and was being treated for a pulmonary embolism. It turns out he didn’t have one, but soon after they realized that, his heart rate shot through the roof, and in order to control and monitor it, they had to move him to the ICU– a place we knew well. Unfortunately he was declining rapidly, physically and mentally, and the doctors confirmed the end was near. By Saturday evening we were able to transport him home to go peacefully in his own bed. 7 hours later, he was gone.
So I suppose that explains why I’ve been absent. After that came planning a funeral, lots of unfortunate and unnecessary family drama, anger, and now depression.
It feels weird. That’s the best I can describe it when I really think about it. It still doesn’t seem completely real yet. The whole thing was big, shocking, traumatic blur. They had told us he had 1 1/2 – 2 years. I had no idea it would happen so fast. I don’t think anyone did. And that’s life.
I know I would benefit from a therapist, but I’m not ready yet. Therapy had helped me through my ED and it’s root causes, but I didn’t leave off with a counselor who I loved, and I have no urge to go talk to someone I’m not a huge fan of.
If there’s such thing as a bright side, I have been getting along with my sisters, with whom I was barely speaking before. We were able to get him home, which was all he wanted. And he no longer has to suffer. And while I’m not a religious person, I like to think he is with my mother again.
I’ve been through a lot, and had I not dealt with the baggage of my childhood, I would never have overcome my ED, and I don’t think i would be able to get through this. But it’s effing tough. I don’t feel normal. I’m exhausted all the time, and lack motivation–although the gym does help. The music and the endorphins help me feel feelings again. But all I want to do is nothing, all the time. I feel like I can’t be a good girlfriend either. And of course, continually having to remind myself that I don’t have to get him a birthday gift, or a Father’s Day card, that I can’t stop by and see him after work, or call him if I can’t figure out how to be an adult and I need his advice.
I’m an orphan now. I know 27 is too old to be an orphan, but it’s kind of true. I lost my mom at age 5, and now I feel like I have no one left to make me feel like a kid. And I don’t completely feel like an adult yet. It’s weird.
I know I’ll be fine eventually. I just figured I’d fill you all in on where I’ve been, if anyone’s still reading. I missed blogging and all of you, but I know you’d all understand.
I’ll be back real soon with some happier posts.